Shame and Sex.
This is one of the most common places to carry shame and it is, in large part, due to religious doctrine and the cultural waters we swim in.
You see, sex is the most potent and powerful creative energy that you have access to as a human being, it creates new life for Christ’s sake, what could be more potent than that?!
The taboo around sex keeps the shadow elements of it highly charged inside of you, making you feel like you are wrong or bad for having those feelings, fantasies or emotions.
It’s a huge waste of Chi!
Taoists see sexuality as a healthy part of being human, and when you shut down or ignore this vital part of your health, every other part of your health takes a nose-dive. Sleep, hormones, energy levels, digestion, immune and emotions. Not to mention it closes a very big door on your connection to Spirit.
Exploring your sexual shadows brings significant light to your relationship with sex and with Spirit. It allows you to be more present during sexual encounters, which is where the real juice is.
A few shadows (according to the late Shakti Malan) that you might want to look at are:
- Needing porn to get off,
- fantasizing about others when you are with your partner,
- always attracting the “bad boy or crazy girl” types, because they are the only types that turn you on,
- being addicted to being “in love” or needing an element of the honeymoon phase in order to feel satisfied.
- And finally, being obsessed with sex, always thinking about it, planning your life around it, making choices based on getting more of it….
On the other end of the spectrum from your sexual desires, you can look at your shadows of sexual fear.
It may feel like uncharted territory to look at fears around sex, but that’s why it can be so liberating sexually to bring consciousness to them.
Sexual fears tend to show up for many people as physical ailments like, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus and vaginal pain, loss of sexual desire causing dryness of the vagina, sexual trauma (which includes desires and fears all mixed together), and body armouring, which is when you shut down to the physical sensations of both pain and pleasure.
Then of course there are the shadows of sexual taboos, which come from culture and religion.
- sex should be enjoyed only in private and with your committed partner,
- you should not get too wild during sex, you should enjoy it some, but not too much, you should always lead if you’re the man and follow if you’re the woman.
- The list goes on, but it’s not only the actual taboos themselves that can create shame and guilt around sex, but the shadow side of these taboos as well.
- For example if you rebel against the taboos and begin acting promiscuously, or be unfaithful just to spit in the face of the culture or exercise your “freedom” from the norm, you may very well still be ruled by the cultural idea of what sex “should” be.
The whole concept of Taoist Sexology, Tantra and other forms of sacred sexual practice is to become more authentic with your sexuality. To develop your own relationship to it, rather than living out the relationship others think you should have.
One of the biggest shadows and shame points I see with my clients is when one person starts feeling desire for someone ELSE when they are already in a monogamous relationship.
If you’ve ever been in this predicament you know that it can really take you down. It starts to affect your confidence, your relationship, your happiness, and your sexuality.
The fantasies you create about this other person are so powerful they can ruin you, and the reality is that the more you resist the urges, the day dreams and maybe even the impulse to be with that person the more it persists.
The truth is that you are not meant to get everything from one person, and coming to terms with this truth will move you through your, “crush” faster than anything.
When you desire another, that is some strong chi, that you can apply to your own health and vitality or use to boost your current relationship.
Think about it, you have a burning desire to be with someone, and they may or may not even know you exist. It’s your desire, it’s your feeling, it comes from you and it is your responsibility.
What would you like to do with that desire? Would you like to pursue that person? Would you like to channel that energy into your work, or your exercise routine? Would you like to transfer that energy into your sex life?
In regards to sex. If you were fortunate your first sexual encounters were with a significant other in a safe and supportive space.
If you were anything like me, on the other hand, it was the exact opposite. It was far from safe and far from supportive, it may have even been nonconsensual – causing you to shut down your pleasure centers and associate sexuality with being bad or wrong.
That is no way to live!
Sex is one of the most beautiful gifts we have been given in this lifetime. When you are unable to open this gift and see all the beauty inside you are missing one of the most magical parts of the human experience.
So how do you heal from shame, much less become immune to it?
You have to start by identifying that there is shame. It can be helpful to know where it comes from (pinpoint the incident or time in your life), but it is not necessary.
I recommend finding a special or sacred place in nature or in your home where you can be still and quiet enough to tune into the place in your body that you feel shame, notice the sensation of it. Is it tight, constricting, numb, dull, achy, sharp? Does it limit your breath capacity; does it affect your heartbeat? What happens to your nervous system when you feel this shame?
Once you have identified where it is in your body, and what it feels like place your hands there and begin to breathe into that place, expanding your inhale consciously into that place to create more space there. If you would like to you can exhale with a sound, maybe an “AAAA,” sound to begin with, which might morph into deeper throatier sounds or even animalist growling sounds. Repeat that breath, using the inhale to create space and using the exhale to release and clear out the current sensations of shame from your body. Do this as long as necessary until you feel the sensation in you body change.
Depending on how long the shame has been there and how deeply you feel it you will want to keep doing this practice. I have had clients clear substantial amounts of shame in 1-3 of these sessions, for others it can take 1-3 months. You will know when you are complete; trust your deep inner knowing.
One of the things shame does is it takes you away from trusting yourself, and you will see that the more you clear the sensation of shame the more you will begin to trust yourself, and your future will unfold in a new direction.
Through this unfolding, you will begin to stand up for yourself, your confidence will rise and you will begin to experience a deep sense of knowing that you are worthy of love, you are worthy of joy, and that you have a fundamental, undeniable worth.
I encourage you to find support on this journey of releasing and becoming immune to shame, as it is helpful to have an objective perspective while working out the stories that created this shame to begin with. Shame gets so ingrained in your consciousness; it can be difficult to separate yourself from it.
I am here in full support of your breakthrough, and so I offer you an Intimacy Hour with me for 80% OFF the regular cost of a coaching session. You can set yourself up with an Intimacy Hour session here.
I am wishing you a life full of joy, light, vitality and phenomenal self worth!