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unclaim shame

How Shame Feels – And What You Could Be Experiencing Instead.

June 4, 2020 by Willow Leave a Comment

Shame is the Opposite of Vitality! It’s the Silent Killer.

Shame, next to fear, is the most debilitating emotion you can endure. Whether it’s a fleeting moment of embarrassment or a deep well of intense self-doubt that’s been with you your whole life, shame steals your vital life force energy. 

Few emotions are more draining for your Chi.

What is Shame anyway? 

You know what it feels like, you’re familiar with the terrible shrinking quality that makes you want to hide your face behind your hands….

But what is shame, beyond an emotional state?

Let’s break it down. Physically shame feels like a sinking inward, a recoiling of the heart, a rounding of the shoulders, a posture of protection.  

Emotionally it oppresses your inner light.  

Shame is different from guilt.  Guilt is when you feel like you did something wrong.  Shame is when you feel like you are wrong.

Shame is a rabbit hole that keeps going and going, until you learn to stop it, clear it and become immune to it.  

Becoming immune to shame means it no longer has a grip on you. In fact you can become so immune to shame that it doesn’t even occur to you to shrink away when the person you most admire tells you you’re not good enough for them.

If you’re still living in the grips of shame, there is no shame in that.

It’s a deeply ingrained emotion that we as a human species are still climbing our way out of.  

You’ll know it still has a hold on you if you hear the word in your head, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m just too much for most people.” 

This message is an imprint that was likely stamped into your DNA at a very early age, perhaps all the way back to when you were in the womb.

It carries on into your childhood, teens, and early adult-hood, keeping you from living out your highest potential.  

What is your highest potential? It’s the life you wish you had, the money you dream of, the home you desire, the relationship you envy.

Shame is like a wet blanket over your highest potential. It dims the light within you that is your vitality, creativity, confidence, and authentic drive.

This deep sense of shame can inhibit you well into your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond. 

It will affect your relationships.

It will affect your finances. 

It will affect your health. 

It will affect your work.

You have to choose a different path.  

A path of being worthy!

Now let’s talk about the first major shame trigger – body shame.  

Your body is your vehicle in this life, it’s a beautiful temple to be honored, tended to and cared for. If you’re stuck in body shame you will not feel that way about your vehicle (your body). 

You could have a lot of contempt for your body, especially your belly, breasts and skin or even your penis or vulva.  You might hear regularly in your head that you need to work out more, do more sit-ups, hit the trail everyday, do more push-ups so your arms don’t get flabby.  

While I’m a huge advocate of exercise, doing it in a state of resentment, shame and doubt is not healthy.  You’ve got to let go of the drill sergeant, and start talking to your body with kindness and love!

I dare you to rub some coconut oil over your least favorite parts of yourself tonight, (thighs, belly, breasts, arms) and repeat the words, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”  This sacred practice will help you transform the voice of shame, that is so loud in your mind, into one of kindness and love.

One of the most common things I see with my patients and clients is an unfortunate estrangement from the natural feminine or masculine aspects of themselves.  My client Beth, had grown up hating her body, in fact it was part of her family culture. Her Mom hated her own body and her sisters were also obsessed with the way they looked.  All these women were gorgeous in their own ways. 

Through my eyes, the Mom looked slender, healthy, a shine to her eyes and hair and a glow to her skin.  It was shocking to hear of her contempt for her body and made me quite sad for not only her daughters, but women-kind. 

Beth’s sisters were both fit, healhy, had straight teeth, nice smiles, and when she told me that their outer appearance came from a deep inner hatred of the small amount of cellulite on their thighs I cringed!

I’d like to pause here.

I have a new word for cellulite.

It’s luvulite – pronounced love-you-light! 

Try it out ladies.

And guys, if your reading, don’t go around telling your woman you love her cellulite – that will not translate well.  Instead tell her you love her legs, that she has a beautiful body and you really enjoy feeling it against yours. 

Back to Beth… in just 3 sessions we worked deeply and efficiently to eradicate the voice of shame that had been running on repeat her whole life.  It no longer has a grip on her.

Of course the “habit” of that voice has the potential to creep back in, but Beth is now armed with powerful practices and tools that are entirely unique to her, they came from within her.  So she can battle that shame anytime it tries to sneak back in with ease and grace, until the “habit” of body shame is completely replaced with the “habit” of acceptance and love.

Now that she is no longer stuck on the body shame hamster wheel, she can start to see herself as a woman, and embrace her femininity in the way she has always envied other women doing.

She can let go of her masculine, militant, “work harder, push further,” voice and start listening to a new voice that says, “yes, child, that’s the way, if that feels good in your body then do it.”  and, “well beautiful girl, I think today is a resting day, no need to push yourself while you’re bleeding, just rest it out.”

My client Mark, is one of those sensitive kind of guys, he carried a heavy load of shame around being this way.  

He’d grown up with a very “man’s man” kind of father and his brother took after his Dad, so that left Mark always wondering what was wrong with him…. Why did he have to feel so much?

Mark could not remember a time he did not feel shame, self-doubt, and self-hatred.  He had always been sensitive to words, looks, energetic frequencies, vibes from others.  He felt this especially from his family, and lived with this very ‘grating” feeling that no one understood him, therefore he felt he’d never find anyone who could.

Our journey together took more time, but within 6 sessions Mark was able to peel away several of the thick layers of doubt and shame that kept him from attracting relationships where he was truly understood.

He had to let go of some friends and come to terms with certain family members, he had to understand them, rather than trying so hard to get them to understand him. This completely changed the way he related to the world around him…. And what do you know?  The world around him began to shift.

He just started dating a gorgeous girl, who deeply admires his innate sensitive nature!  He is now finding a beautiful balance within himself in relation to his masculine and feminine energies.  

Regardless of your gender, orientation, or identification, you have a masculine side, who gets sh*^ done, and you have a feminine side who enjoys just being.

When you have a healthy relationship to both of these sides you become more whole, more of you is available and you are walking in the presence of your highest potential.

Let me know – Do you experience BODY SHAME ? And if you do, what does it stop you from experiencing?

If you want help releasing that for GOOD – book your Intimacy Hour with me. This is the absolute most inexpensive way begin to work with me – and you’ll be blown away at what is possible in just 1 hour of dedicated support.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: experiencing shame, let go of shame, living shame free, shame free, shame research, unclaim shame

Un-Claim Your Shame

August 24, 2018 by Willow 1 Comment

Shame is one of the most debilitating emotions a human can endure in this life, and for many it can last a lifetime.

What is Shame, actually?

Let’s break it down. Physically shame feels like a sinking inward, a recoiling of the heart, a rounding of the shoulders, a posture of protection. Emotionally it is an oppression of your inner flame. Shame is when you are made to feel like you did something wrong, weather that is the case or not. Shame gets lodged in your body in an instant and can forever get triggered each time you are reminded of that scenario or feeling. So, one small moment in time has the ability to form your path for life, if you let it.

As I pull together 20 of the world’s leading experts on Love, Sex, and Relationships for my 3rd annual Tele Summit “Alchemy of Sex, “ the topic of Shame is coming up quite a bit. What is Shame? Where does it come from? How can you heal it? All of these questions are answered in this year’s Free Virtual Summit, so keep an eye out for that in Sept.

You may remember a time when you were a child and an older sibling or parent shamed you for an action that you took in perfect innocence. Like the time your mom yelled at you for drawing on the walls with your crayons, or that time your older brother made fun of you and teased you for the way you played pretend with your stuffed animals. Shame can shut you down. These are mild examples, and in some cases shame can come from sexual, physical or verbal abuse, but the truth is unless your experience of shame has been acknowledged, addressed and healed it can affect you just as deeply no matter how severe or “normal” it was.

Shame is a rabbit hole that keeps going and going, until you learn to stop it, clear it and un-claim it.

To un-claim your shame is to no longer have it on your radar, meaning that it doesn’t even occur to you to feel shame. Growing up in Southern California in a small town near L.A. there where beautiful girls in my high school class who were getting boob jobs and nose jobs at 16; image was everything! I knew I had to be thin and pretty and smart or I would never be loved or accepted. Not by the boys at school, not by my friends, and certainly not by my parents.

This message of “not being enough” might sound familiar to you. It’s a message that is imprinted onto you throughout your life and it carries on into your early adult hood, keeping you from living out your fullest potential in this world. It dims the light within you that is your vitality, creativity, confidence, and authentic drive.

This deep sense of shame can inhibit you well into your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, it will affect you relationships, your finances, and your health if you do not choose a different path. A path of being worthy!

Now let’s talk about shame in regards to sex. If you were fortunate, your first sexual encounters were with a significant other in a safe and supportive space.
If you were anything like me, on the other had, it was the exact opposite. It was far from safe and far from supportive, it may have even been nonconsensual. Causing you to shut down your pleasure centers and associate sexuality with being bad or wrong.

That’s no way to live!

Sex is one of the most beautiful gifts we have been given in this lifetime. When you are unable to open this gift and see all the beauty inside you are missing one of the most magical parts of the human experience.

So how do you heal from shame, much less un-claim it?

You have to start by identifying that there is shame. It can be helpful to know where it comes from, pinpoint the incident or time in your life.

Exercise: Un-claim Your Shame

I recommend finding a special place in nature or in your home where you can be still and quiet enough to tune into the place in your body that you feel shame, notice the sensation of it. Is it tight, constricting, numb, dull, achy, or sharp? Does it limit your breath capacity; does it affect your heartbeat? What happens to your nervous system when you feel this shame?

Once you have identified where it is in your body, and what it feels like place your hands there and begin to breathe into that place, expanding your inhale consciously into that place to create more space there. If you would like to you can exhale with a sound, maybe an “AAAA,” sound to begin with, which might morph into deeper throatier sounds or even animalist growling sounds. Repeat that breath, using the inhale to create space and using the exhale to release and clear out the current sensations of shame from your body. Do this as long as necessary until you feel the sensation in you body change.

Depending on how long the shame has been there and how deeply you feel it, you will want to keep doing this practice. I have had clients clear substantial amounts of shame in 1-3 of these sessions, for others it can take 1-3 months. You will know when you are complete; trust your deep inner knowing.

One of the things shame does is take you away from trusting yourself, and you will see that the more you clear the sensation of shame the more you will begin to trust yourself, and your future will unfold in a new direction.

Through this unfolding, you will begin to stand up for yourself, your confidence will rise and you will begin to experience a deep sense of knowing that you are worthy of love, you are worthy of joy, and you have worth.

I encourage you to find support on this journey of un-claiming your shame, as it is helpful to have an objective perspective while working out the stories that created this shame to begin with. Shame gets so ingrained in your consciousness; it can be difficult to separate yourself from “it.”

I am here in full support of your break-through; please don’t hesitate to reach out!

I am wishing you a life full of joy, light, vitality and phenomenal self worth!

Willow Brown L.Ac.

Filed Under: Health Blogs Tagged With: becoming whole, brene brown, let go of shame, shame, shame research, unclaim shame

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